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READ & CO., 10, JOHNSON'S COURT, FLEET STREET 

ACKERJIA.NN & CO., 96, STRAND, AKD ALL BOOKSELLERS. 

H. MANDEVILLE, 42, RUE VIYIEKNE, PARIS. 

R. MOSELEY, NEW YORK. 






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A NEW MATRIMONIAL LADDER. 



Y r oung cupid held a council, by lover's vows he swore 
He'd hold up for example, a pair of lovers more ; 
By lovers' vows he swore it, young Charles in love should fall, 
And so arrang'd that very night that he should meet the ravish'd sight 

of Julia at a ball. 



2. 



Left and right the arrows fly, and well they play their part, 
For one glanced out of Julia's eye and stuck in Charles's heart ; 
And long before they hurried through the very first quadrille, 
That riddle called a woman's heart, was riddled through as well. 



A robe of snowy muslin bedecked her lovely form, 

" The roses down the flounce" soon took his heart by storm. 

He came, he saw, he conquered, and in his agitation 

He felt that he was conquered too, and bowed his admiration. 












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Then gaily went the moments round as he paid great attention, 
And for the newest compliments, he racked his weak invention ; 
She trifled with a sweet bouquet — he flirted with her fan, 
And when he called her beautiful, she whispered " naughty man.' 



Oh, sweet is young love's dalliance, the field of inspiration, 
Where beauty gathers up the buds that flower in flirtation ; 
Bnchantingly the hours fly, which wrap their souls delighted, 
They felt it was refreshing quite to find their loves requited. 



6. 



As Julia never told her love, except unto her father, 

She never dreamt of " damask cheeks," but damask dresses — rather. 

Oh, love it is a fearful thing, this paying the addresses — 

This is addressed to old papas, who pay for the new dresses. 



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Next morning Charley early rose, and being in a flutter, 
Never staid to taste his tea, nor eat his bread and butter ; 
So having lost his appetite, and found a lady fair, 
He bolted off to Wobum-place, to place his wooing there, 



Seated in the parlom-, she was working sweet crotchet — 
" Dropped one," and really felt as if she meant to faint away ; 
But when he came into the room, looked meek as any dove, 
And said, but to herself, of course, "he really is a love." 



9. 



He told her how the tables turned, all wonders new out-capping, 
And when she turned to smile on him, he felt the spirit-rapping ; 
So up spake he both bold and brave, dear Miss it was entrancing, 
To see that lovely form of yours the last new polka dancing. 






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10. 



'■'Really, Sir, your'e so polite," — and then dead silence hushes'; 
And having caught each others eyes, they caught each others blushes. 
And so the morning visit was a morning visitation : 
The theme he meant to agitate, was naught but agitation. 



11. 



So sure as every morning came, so Charley came likewise, 
Vowing in her arms to live, though at her feet he dies ; 
Declaring that through every ill, he'd register a vow, 
That if he was alive and well, "he'd love her then as now !' 



12. 



"Julia, dear, I do protest" — poor Charles protested so far, 

When Julia's horrid little dog bounced from beneath the sofa. 

Oh ! horrid dog to interrupt a speech of some digestion, 

But soon as he popped in again, Charles out, and popped the question. 









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13. 



'Tis said "when once she hesitates, a woman's lost, undone!" 

But Julia hesitates, because, she, is a woman won. 

Yet ladies one and all agree, 'tis prudent and most wise, 

If with their lips they whisper " no," to say " yes' with their eyes. 



14. 



But then he spoke so tenderly, and tendered all he'd got, 
It struck her that she really must " strike while the iron's hot ;" 
" Oh, Sir — I do — that is — I don't — that is — I mean — so far 
As I'm concerned, I farther must refer you to papa." 



15. 



Oh, sweet it is to be beloved ! oh, sweet it is to feel, 
That in this iron age of ours all hearts are not of steel ; 
Oh, this is love's first melody, love's serenading tune, 

Beneath that serene aiding star which brings the honeymoon. 

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16. 



His suit thus favoured, off he goes to Julia's dear papa, 
Who smiling blandly through his specs, declares he sees no bar. 
'Twas hard to part, he knew, but still, these feelings he would smother; 
She really was a charming girl, and very like her mother. 



17. 



Back to the anxious girl he flew, to tell dear pa' consented, 
And presently a little gift to Julia he presented. 
Produced the magic circle now, he presses decent haste, 
As decently the pressing arm, encircles round her waist. 



18. 



Now as he pressed her gentle waist, poor Julia's dear bow-wow, 
To his sweet mistress seemed to say, how sweet you are just now. 
Mamma, in thoughtful mood behind, thinks, dear me, long ago, 
When I was young and beautiful, my brute would do just so ! 



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19. 



And now the orange blossoms gay bedeck her hair profuse ; 
Oh ! why do orange blossoms turn to sour lemon juice ? 
See at the altar now the bride stands on that happy day, 
To tremble at those awful words, "Love, honour, and obey." 



20. 



The Reverend Silky Solemtie proceeds to tie the knot — 

The bridesmaid thinks, good gracious me, suppose the ring's forgot ? 

2^0, happy maid, the golden tie is found secure and fast, 

Upon that soft and lily hand that Charles has won at last. 



21. 



The mother and the bridesmaid too, just then as usual cried, 
Either because she long had been, or longed to be a bride ; 
Papa, a very sapient man, looked all he had to say, 
I've got a son close by me now I'd also give away. 






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22. 



Then came the words " Wilt thou obey ?" the ladies as they're wont, 
Just as poor Julia said " I will," looked silently, I won't ; 
As for dear Charles, he rallied so, all said he did the thing 
In really such a manly style, when he put on the ring. 



23. 



Now the bride is wooed and won, love's ladder climbed at last ! 

Ah ! why are thorns to take the place of all the roses past ? 

Speak up, ye Benedicts, speak up, ye wedded dames, proclaim 

Why love's torch does extinguish when a match should light the flame. 



24. 



Oh, why is it a fatal thing, as once the poet said, 

That people in this world of ours must love before they wed ? 

But so it was, and so it is, the honeymoon began, 

If ever man was in a moon our Charles was sure that man. 



A NEW MATRIMONIAL LADDER. 



25. 



In vain poor Julia captivates, in vain young love's impression, 
She is his goods and chattels now, and he is in " possession." 
Some walks were long, some were wet, some were dry and far, 
"While he left her to mount the stile, he mounted the cigar. 



26. 



Oh, wilful, wayward, wicked fate, oh, poor deserted bride, 
Oh, wilful, wayward, wicked man, oh, wicked world beside; 
'Twas said that Charley at his club was known to make too merry, 
By standing hard among the " nobs" his " nobby" standard sherry. 



27. 



It reckons not that Charles was prone to sit in sulky vapours, 

Or seek abroad vain pleasures, while she burnt Child's lights and tapers 

The freedom of her girlhood gone, what has she now to do, 

But ruminate upon her fate, and that sad fate to rue. 



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28. 



She deems it an unhappy thing that e'er she saw the altar, 
And finds there's no alternative except to turn and alter ; 
Alone, now sullenly she turns to Thackeray and Dickens, 
And when she's fed her intellects, feeds Cochin China chickens. 



29. 



" The greatest plague of life" begins to open to her view, 
She sends for newest novels — no novelty is new ; 
For " Hogg's Tales" then poor Julia sends, and silly Susan hies 
To Griskin's shop across the way, and there a bargain buys. 



30. 



" Why Susan gracious goodness me, you really are to blame, 

I said Hogg's Tales;" " Yes'm," says she, "Pig's tails is just the same." 

Thus daily worried, she declares, she wishes herself dead, 

For as she threads the maze of life they " wear her to a thread.'' 




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31. 



Wine scared the dove of peace afar, when snarling irritation 
Disputed all love's former ground with groundless imputation. 
iS Is it for this I first gave up my early days of freedom, 
I've read before, sir, now I know, we marry men to read 'em.'' 



32. 

" Yes, madam, when the women read, in reading they get gluttons, 
And so I wish you'd read the less and sew on my shirt buttons." 
" Wretch, am I born to be a slave while you all pains escape, 
Spending cash in claret wine that ought to buy my cape." 



33. 



Alone she sits from day to day, at night, poor thing, benighted ; 

With friend and bottle he the while with ecstacies excited : 

Her every hour grows a day, each minute grows an hour, 

While from the club (?) with two or three, he staggers home at four. 




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34. 



" Blow ye winds and crack your cheeks/' the storm of life commences, 
He cracks a joke at her expense, she storms at the expences. 
" I've spent/' he cries, " you know I've spent a fortune in new lace, 
And now you /acerate my heart and soon you'll scratch my face." 



35. 



" Yile sir, you're but a hypocrite that I detest with loathing, 
I find I married but a wolf in nothing but sheep's clothing." 
" S^ow will you leave my clothes alone, 'tis this that me distresses, 
A woman once addressed, she thinks of nothing but new dresses." 



3G. 



" I'll tell my pa' " poor Julia cries, " you wretch, depend upon it, 
That you have had six paletots since I had one new bonnet, 
And as for shirts, I do declare, since I'd the robe with frillings, 
Three times you've been to Nicols' for ' six for forty shillings.' " 



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37. 



" Pooh ! tell your pa' " he sneering cries, " of the three six-guinea shawls, 
And tell your pa' of Sangster's bill for six new Parasols ; 
Oh, was I but a single man, catch me the question popping, 
You shopped me, madam, but to have the privilege of shopping," 



38. 



" Oh, you adamantine cur, you vile, you selfish hog, 
Your dogged disposition's base," and here she kissed her dog. 
"Ah, when I called you pretty puss, did I turn out a cur, 
~No, I turned in to Nicholay's and covered you with fur." 



39. 



" Ungrateful woman, you forget how fondly I've caressed you, 
And when I called you my own duck, how charmingly I dressed you." 
And thus the gale of strife blew on, and as it louder blows, 
Amidst the hurricane of words they nearly come to blows. 

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40. 



" I hate, I loathe, detest," she cries, " such mean and selfish cubs, 
Who leave their wives to mope at home, while they dine at their clubs." 
" Madam, marriage made you mad, and madness now gets deeper, 
Ever since you've worn that ring you should have had a keeper." 



41. 



Unruly passion now breaks in, all ceremony ceases, 
And having broke the peace, they smash the furniture in pieces. 
Thus falls destruction on his head in every word that passes, 
And he to mend the matter breaks the chairs and looking-glasses. 



42. 



And discord now has done its work beyond all reparation, 
One thing is finally agreed — a final separation. 
She to her old father's house, to claim \\v$> farther bounties, 
He, to end his days in peace, goes by the Eastern Counties. 






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43. 



" Farewell, good madam, you may go, I care not where to now ;" 
" Well, I never !'' said the maid — " yap yap" went the bow-wow. 
" Gro, madam, go and tell your tale, how daily I ill treat you, 
And don't forget to tell our pa' how often I have beat you." 



44. 



Susan, like a shade behind her raging mistress goes, 
And as she snubbing leaves the place, turns up her snubby nose. 
"You brute," said Julia "you'll repent, you will, depend upon it- 
Susan, never mind him now, but mind, don't crush my bonnet." 



45. 



But ere the final words were spoke, the sad, the last good-bye, 

I think a leetle tear came in the corner of her eye : 

One word, one look, in that short space, might have recalled the past, 

But Charles did not look on it so, the last look was the last. 



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46. 



Now absence, weary absence reigned, and made the heart grow fonder, 
For absent Charles did she despond, while he began to ponder ; 
Then friends became the go-between as they had been full often, 
And so between the right and wrong, contrived their hearts to soften. 



47* 



Relenting cupid gave consent to love's returning blisses, 

When Julia flew to Charles's arms, he smothered her with kisses. 

" God bless 'em," said the aged pa' — the thin son whimpered sadly — 

The mother shrieked, " Oh, what a sight !" and bow-wow capered madly. 



48. 



" Forgive me, dearest Julia, now," cried Charles in deep atonement, 
" What is done can be undone, by mutual condonement." 
Then, with a tear, dear mother adds, as down her cheek it trickles, 
" There must be jars in married life, we all get into pickles !" 



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49. 



So when the dove of peace came back the olive branch he bore, 
And Charley vowed he ne'er would take his wine and olives more 
But Julia, in her better sense, thought it would be as well, 
If in moderation sipped at home, why she could sip as well. 



50. 



Thus ends my very simple tale, for having met their friends well, 
'Tis well to leave the well alone, since " all is well that ends well." 






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JUDGMENT. 



51. 

Xow man and wife be both arraigned befor e he public bar, 
Tis best to hear some summing up, ere )^ou get pa' and ma'. 
First 'tis clear the marriage vow is sweet enough to keep, 
But if love's steeple-chase you run, why " look before you leap." 

52. 

Oh, man remember, when you say " I will," be sure to do it ; 
For if you do, you'll meet reward, and if you don't, you'll rue it. 
And mind the paradox so true, that striking fact for woman, 
••' The man that strikes his own dear wife, most certainly is no man." 



53. 



But barring this, all husbands sin, the weakest agent suffers, 

And on the rail of human life, she's squeezed between the buffers: 

Oh, woman, still remember that, amidst this worldly bubble, 

I do not quote about the sparks — poor "man is born to trouble." 







- i 



A NEW MATRIMONIAL LADDER. 

A WORD TO THE WISE. 

FOR THE LADY. 

Let diamonds and emeralds bedeck thy'lovely form, 
And all transcendant beauty take man's captive heart by storm 
But cherish still that pearl of life, be it thy purest gem, 
Let gentleness, thy attribute, bedeck the diadem. 

C ONFIDENTI AL. 

TO THE GENTLEMAN. 

Let him who claims the first to be the lord of the creation, 
Uphold a lordly gallantry, the husband's first probation ; 
Let cheerful rules of tenderness become his daily care, 
And his example teach the rule, " to bear and to forbear." 



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